Kind Hearts and Coronets - á la DiNozzo
by ytteb
Summary: Tony's English family hit the headlines, but not in a good way. All the team involved.


_With apologies not only to NCIS but to the 1940s British Film 'Kind Hearts and Coronets' ... but I don't think it matters if you haven't seen the movie. You'll probably get the idea ..._

It had been a long and tiring week for the Major Crimes Response Team of NCIS and it wasn't over yet. Special Agents Tony DiNozzo and Tim McGee had just got back to the Navy Yard after a day at Norfolk interviewing potential suspects in the latest leaks scandal. Special Agents Ziva David and Jethro Gibbs had been following up other leads in MTAC all day. All four agents met up in the squad room to share their findings but it soon became clear that they were no nearer finding the culprit. Gibbs was in no mood to stop looking,

"Take ten, and then meet down in Abby's lab," he barked before stalking off in search of caffeine. Tony slumped into his chair with a groan,

"McGee, go and get food. Ziva, go and get ... something," he ordered. To his surprise, the two junior agents nodded and left on their errands. They must have been too tired to argue, he thought, and then forgot them as he noticed a letter on his desk with an English stamp on it. As he reached out to open it, he reflected that he had heard more from his English relations in the last two years than in the previous twenty.

It had all started when his Uncle Clive had died. Abby had been fascinated to learn that Tony had an English uncle and had decided to turn out her hand to researching the Paddington family tree. She learned that Tony's mom Elizabeth and her two older brothers Clive and Christian were niece and nephews to Aubrey, 7th Earl of Wincanton. Abby's excitement at the thought that Tony might be heir to a title was swiftly dampened by Tony pointing out to her that his mom and uncles were the children of Great Uncle Aubrey's youngest brother Clifford. Admittedly Great Uncle Aubrey had no children of his own but there was another brother, Great Uncle Nigel and his two children who would come before Clifford's children.

"And besides, Abs," Tony had said with touch of bitterness, "Cousin Crispian would get the title before me." Later, Tony was to wonder if it was that still smoldering sense of resentment against Crispian which had set the ball rolling.

A few weeks later, Abby had unexpectedly volunteered to go to a forensics conference in Bermuda. It was uncharacteristic as Abby hated the sun but she had insisted that she wanted to go and Director Vance had been grateful to get his celebrated forensic scientist to talk at such a prestigious event. Two days into the conference, Tony received the sad news that his Great Uncle Nigel and his wife Lucasta had died at a hotel in Bermuda from an untraceable toxin presumed to have been in their morning porridge. Tony had been shocked at the news and dutifully requested leave and booked a flight to London to attend the double funeral.

It was probably about three months after that, during a rare Gibbs vacation, that the tragic news came that his Grandfather, Clifford, had drowned in a tragic, and mysterious, yachting accident off the Isle of Wight although, fortunately, Grandmamma Charlotte had been saved from the same fate by a modest hero who had refused to reveal his identity. Tony sighed and once again booked the leave and the flight to England to attend the funeral and comfort his grandmother.

On his return, in an effort to lighten the mood, Tony had joked to Ducky and Jimmy Palmer that if any more of his English relations died, Director Vance would insist on seeing the death certificates before granting his leave requests. Ducky and Jimmy had laughed dutifully but looked a little thoughtful. Later that day Tony had seen them deep in discussion with McGee but they had stopped talking when they saw Tony approaching. Fortunately no more deaths were reported in the Paddington family so Tony's leave allowance remained healthy.

Shocking news of another sort soon crossed the Atlantic from the United Kingdom. The London Times newspaper reported on a scandal which had rocked the aristocratic Paddington family. The Times had been tipped off by an anonymous source, thought to be either Scottish or American, that the marriage between Nigel and Lucasta Paddington had not been valid. The Times had done its own investigation and discovered that, at the age of sixteen, Lucasta had run away with a Scottish brewer. Her scandalized parents had dragged her back home and hushed the whole thing up and had been delighted when their wayward daughter had then caught the eye of the dashing Nigel Paddington. Lucasta had never confessed to her parents that she had in fact married the Scottish brewer and that, therefore, her marriage into the English aristocracy was bigamous. She had only ever confided her secret to a friend of the family named in the press as Victoria.

The team had gathered round Tony's desk as he read the article.

"Poor Hermione and Ralph," said Tony, in a not completely sad voice.

"Who are they?" asked Ziva nonchalantly. Tony thought for a moment,

"My first cousins once removed ... I think. My Great Uncle Nigel's children and, up to now, heirs to Great Uncle Aubrey's title. All gone now."

"I thought England was all democratic now," said McGee, "surely the title doesn't matter too much?"

Ducky huffed, "The Earldom of Wincanton may not be the oldest title but it is venerable ... and sadly, my dear Timothy, such things do still carry a great deal of weight. Why, I remember ..." Tony interrupted to say, drily,

"I think they can live without the title but the castle in Scotland, the hunting lodge in Leicestershire, the town house in London, the family estate in Worcestershire and the villa in Mustique are a little harder to let go."

"I did not realise there was so much money involved," said Ziva. "It is a long time since I visited the United Kingdom, perhaps I will go on my next vacation. I could visit the Bower of London and inspect the dungeons."

"Tower of London," corrected the team rather wearily.

"So, " asked Jimmy casually, "who's the heir now?"

"My cousin Crispian followed by his sister Nigella," said Tony, "hey, I'm due in court. See you tomorrow." As he got into the elevator he noticed that Gibbs had picked up the newspaper and team were reading the article over his shoulder.

Ziva paid her sightseeing tour to the torture scenes of medieval London but fortunately had an iron clad alibi for the time when Nigella and Crispian Paddington met their untimely deaths when packing cases of paper clips fell on them while visiting a stationery store. McGee and Abby were able to provide electronic proof that Ziva had been on a flight back to the US at the time and Scotland Yard had never really thought she was a real suspect; what could she possibly have had to gain?

The tragic accident meant that the Paddington family hit the headlines once again in the British press and it wasn't long before they had something else to get their teeth into. It was reported that the current Earl of Wincanton, who had never married and was now 97, had become romantically entangled with the gamekeeper's daughter on his Worcestershire estate and was thought to have proposed marriage.

"Still, it is unlikely, is it not," said Ziva, toying thoughtfully with an English paperclip, "that he would sire a child at his advanced age?" Ducky opened his mouth to provide some medical information but was forestalled by Tony saying in a thoughtful, but proud, voice,

"My great grandfather 'sired' Great Uncle Aubrey at the age of 94 and then went on to have two more children. Got to admire those genes."

"Hmmph," said Abby. "We'll see about that."

That conversation had happened just two weeks ago and now there was another letter from England on Tony's desk. He opened it and read the sad, if not unexpected news, that his Great Uncle Aubrey had died on the night of his honeymoon. The family solicitor requested that Anthony DiNozzo Jr, 8th Earl of Wincanton, should fly to London at his earliest convenience. They had chartered a private jet to make the journey easier. Tony went to see Vance who, a little overawed, had given his permission.

A bewildering series of events followed. A quiet family funeral as yet another Paddington was laid to rest in the family tomb which was now nearly full to capacity. The 8th Earl of Wincanton took his seat in the British House of Lords and made a dazzling maiden speech which was cheered to the rafters. There was talk of him being invited to take up a seat in the British government once he had settled down into his new responsibilities. The new Earl went on a tour of his new properties finishing up at Paddington House in Grosvenor Square in London. Tony was greeted by the butler who looked disturbingly like Alfred, the butler in the 'Batman and Robin' TV series,

"Mr Anthony, I'm sorry, I should say, Your Grace, it is good to welcome you to your new home. My name is Albert, you probably don't remember me but, may I say, how much you look like your dear mother." Tony didn't remember Alfred, no Albert, but nodded politely.

"The staff will be ready to meet you in the morning. I have taken the liberty of inviting some candidates for the position of valet to come and see you tomorrow. Is that in order?"

"Yes, Alfred ... I mean, Albert. That's OK, I mean, that is most satisfactory. I'm rather tired now, I think I will go straight to bed."

"Certainly, Your Grace, if you would like to follow me, I will show you to your suite."

Ten minutes later, Tony was tucked up in the four poster bed with the drapes drawn. He fell asleep instantly.

"DiNozzo, wake up. DiNOZZO!" , a hand was shaking his arm roughly. Tony was cross,

"I think you mean, 'Wake up, Your GRACE,' Albert."

The shaking continued and Tony finally, grudgingly opened his eyes, to see all his team looking at him.

"What ... when did you get here? Where's Albert?"

"Tony, who's Albert?" asked McGee.

"My butler," said Tony.

"You have a butler?" asked Ziva.

"I've got a butler, a castle in Scotland, a hunting lodge in Leicestershire, a stately home, a family tomb and a glittering political career. I'm the most eligible bachelor ANYWHERE ... and you all got them for me. My team, who really love me." Tony looked up at his team and saw the mystified expressions on their faces. Tony broke off and dropped his head into his hands. "It was all a dream ...?" he said.

"I fear so, my boy," said Ducky, "brought on by fatigue and too much candy. I must remonstrate with Jethro more forcibly about allowing you all to eat properly."

"Not even a villa in Mustique?" said Tony mournfully.

"Not even a villa in Mustique," said Abby as she gave him a comforting hug, "but you've got a letter from England. Who's it from?"

Tony opened the letter. It was from Crispian's solicitor reminding Tony that he still owed his cousin two thousand dollars. Tony groaned and let his head fall forward on to the desk.

"No time to sleep, DiNozzo," ordered Gibbs, "Abby's lab. Now!"

_AN: I own neither NCIS or Kind Hearts and Coronets. I have just had a general anaesthetic which is probably to blame for this._


End file.
